The 4 Big Mistakes Couples Make in Couples Therapy (And How to Avoid Them)
Couples Therapy can be an invaluable tool for couples, but there are several common mistakes that often prevent couples from getting the help they need when they need it. If you're navigating challenges in your relationship, it’s important to recognize these pitfalls and address them before they cause lasting damage.
1. Waiting Too Long to Seek Couples Counseling
Many couples wait until their issues have spiraled out of control before seeking couples therapy, often believing the problems will resolve themselves or that things will get better with time. As unresolved issues linger, partners begin to emotionally withdraw, creating distance, weakening attachment and more deeply ingrained negative patterns become. Unresolved conflict, unmet emotional needs, and chronic misunderstandings accumulate. Over time, couples may start to feel like they’ve "grown apart," or that the issues are insurmountable.
Don’t wait for things to get worse. If you notice persistent patterns of disconnection, start therapy sooner rather than later. Early intervention helps preserve emotional bonds, improves communication, and allows partners to work through challenges while the relationship is still strong enough to recover. Addressing concerns early can save couples from larger issues down the road.
If the former is the case, it is essential to be prepared for the reality that couples therapy will be challenging. It will require daily commitment to working through difficult emotions and communication patterns. Self-care is vital in this process; each partner needs to maintain their wellbeing as they engage in marriage/couples counseling, to show up more fully for the relationship and work involved.
2. Having Different Therapy Goals
Couples therapy is most effective when both partners are aligned in their goals. However, if one partner is fully committed to improving the relationship while the other feels uncertain or ambivalent, progress can be slow. Studies show that 1 in 3 couples who enter therapy have significantly different expectations or goals for what they want to achieve (Journal of Marital and Family Therapy).
When there’s a lack of shared goals, therapy can feel like a tug-of-war. It’s crucial to have open conversations about each person's goals and desires to ensure that both partners are working together toward a shared vision for their future. When there is disagreement on issues or ambivalence of whether to stay or leave, this doesn’t mean therapy shouldn’t be considered. It can be an ideal time to discuss shared values and work backward to create goals that reflect these common values.
In situations where one partner is unsure about wanting couples therapy and the couple is uncertain about their future—one partner may be leaning toward divorce, while the other wants to stay and work on the relationship—working with a therapist who specializes in or is trained in discernment counseling is an ideal option. Discernment counseling provides a structured space to explore these feelings and help both partners decide whether to move forward with therapy, separate, or divorce. Unlike traditional couples therapy, which focuses on improving the relationship, discernment counseling is specifically designed to clarify the couple’s options and commitment level before diving into deeper therapeutic work.
3. Believing One Person Has to Change in Couples Therapy
It’s common for one partner to feel that the other needs to change in order to fix the relationship. Some of this may be valid! However, this mindset can create a power imbalance and lead to frustration. Instead of focusing on changing one person, couples therapy is to help both individuals understand their behaviors, patterns, and needs. By shifting the focus to mutual growth and teamwork, both partners can work together to create healthier communication and more effective problem-solving strategies, fostering a stronger, more collaborative relationship. Successful couples therapy requires both partners to take responsibility for their part in the relationship dynamic.
4. Not Being Fully Honest or Omitting Important Information
Omitting and avoiding difficult conversations and key information, such as infidelity, secrets, or unmet needs, can stall progress, create confusion, and send mixed messages in couples therapy. Without full transparency, the therapist can't provide accurate guidance, and partners may struggle to understand each other’s true feelings, leading to frustration and mistrust. If important details are discovered later, it’s likely to erode the progress that’s already been made, as the couple may have to revisit old wounds and rebuild trust from scratch.
Honesty is essential for real long-term progress. Being open about all relevant issues allows the therapist to address the true problems and helps both partners move forward with clarity and trust.
If you're experiencing difficulties in your relationship, don't wait for things to get worse. By recognizing and avoiding these common mistakes, you can build a closer, more connected relationship with your partner.
